The veins in the blood that runs through my hands

They tremble in your presence

They feel cold in your touch

And all I could do was smile

When all that I felt inside

Was someone smaller than who I already was

There you go again

With your smiles and your hugs

Which felt so wrong

And yet I’d crave for it

Why is this always a constant pattern

Deserving, or not

Who’s to say? 

With another lighted cigarette

I looked at it as it burns slowly, but surely

All that feels good is bad for you

And it’s bad, not simply because it is something bad

But because all good things (has to) come to an end



The colors of every eye
haunted me
The looks of every soul
murdered me
It is not easy living in this
It is not lovely being a part
of this hell

Faithless bodies made me
a little crazy
Mindless leaders drove me
a lot more judgy
I didn’t want to play this game
but it’s too late
I was sure I was different than the others
but that’s a mistake

The dark moon follows me
until the morning
The sun is nowhere to be found
and it’s alarming
A little too late for people to
wake up
It’s almost time to realize we are all
dead, so look out

  • Hedonist Poet


“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”

  • Andrew Boyd, Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe

Drowning Thoughts

It was 3am in the morning.

He was drunk and both of us decided that we had to send him home – despite what everyone else was saying.

The mindless chatter that was occurring around me was getting to me. I didn’t like that I was the only one who wanted to do it.

He was right about who was ‘poor’. At that time I could see it.

I couldn’t stand it.

Mustering all the courage that I had in me while I was high, I spoke.

I told them the rational thing to do.

I told them to leave because honestly, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.

I came back and you were there, with him.

Was trying to keep calm and not let the anger get to my head.

Thank you for making me laugh at that point of time.

The way you understood and took the cue.

It was time, and we had to leave.

People were staring and watching. Some, judging.

Some were laughing.

We carried him on each side and walked to hail a cab.

Finally we got on one.

I sat beside him and you, beside me.

Took us awhile before we finally reached.

He got home and we got back into the cab.

We sat with our bodies pressed against each other.

I felt the urge to ask the question that I had always been afraid to ask – the question I had always been curious about.

I felt the words leave my mouth when you looked at me in my eyes and told me to just do it.

I wasn’t sure it was right when your facial expression changed – you were different.

You told me it lasted for 4 years.

And that she had depression and anxiety, and you were her outlet to express herself.

You took it all in – and that was it; you took it again, again, and again.

You said you did love her with all you had.

But at the end she took all that you had from you.

You didn’t have anything left.

That was when I realised.

I really hope you know that, you WERE enough.

And here’s wishing you happiness because more than anyone else – you truly deserve it.

Drowning Thoughts