Things That Make Me Smile

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Screenshot of an email I received yesterday.


Things That Make Me Smile

Z’s letter

“It’s been awhile since we’ve last spoken.
It’s been awhile since we’ve last made a connection.

You know what I mean, where we spoke in the same beat, as if everything was in place even though they were not and we can almost never find words to explain the place we were at. My favourite line to use for place was, “We don’t need words.”.
It’s not like we’ve lost the language, even our mother tongues wouldn’t be out of our minds that quickly.

This is a very honest letter; though ornated yet not with sweetened for safety.

I watched how the world continued to wear you, as the things you perceived were good attempted to snare you. I watched how you searched and have not exactly found. I watched how you got hurt and forgot about it, merely to toughen up for the world but it also made you colder, harder.

Why waste any time on self-pity right? But no El, in the place we live in, it requires more strength to turn away from a fight than to stand up to one, more strength to breakdown instead of move on.

Paradoxically, it requires more strength to be vulnerable.

Yet I remember what you said once, that things must happen first before you realise. So, I’ll let you sail the seas, I’ll let you brave the storms, I’ll let you be swallowed up by a whale; even if it makes me a little sad sometimes when you go through the bitter of this bittersweet life.

But at any given time, you’re still in great hands. At any given time, you are still safe. I know and I know, that you will make it out alive, better than before.

Because I know that you are utterly loved and El, I love you. Truly. You’ll always be loved, by me, by Tofu, by Fatin, by Gary, by the group, by your family and most of all by God.

You’ve more anchors than that little one.

Here’s to that hard-cringe “Friends Forever” promise El, we’ve so much ahead we’ve really seen nothing yet. Have faith, and, happy belated birthday love.”

I’m so thankful for your presence in my life, Z.

Going to the school that I am currently at has been, the best decision I have made in my life for myself so far.

Sometimes when I look at you, I feel myself opened to new feelings, new thoughts, and its so amazing. You are hope, you carry that light wherever you go, warming up the paths that you take, as well as the ones you cross.

Nights like these, I cry because I feel so much love from You, and I am so, so blessed.

Ahhhh….. Words. Times like these they can only… do so much.


Z’s letter


Turning 22 this year made me realise so much…

And it made me feel so entirely blessed.

Amongst the busy days and submissions and laugher, I found myself in the middle of it all nonetheless, sitting there, being so entirely loved.

So thankful.


It’s amazing how we all came together at a time when we were probably really lost and waiting to be found. When we found the so called answers at that point of time between alcohol, late nights and loud music. How after all this while, we grew from being infatuated with each other to being what it is now; this pure, unadulterated form of friendship. One that I know, I’d like to be holding on to for a really long time. One that makes me smile because that’s just how we are – sharing memories between drinks and nights so cold and wild.

I remember sitting there at dinner and simply wondering, how? How could I be so blessed despite all that has happened, despite me running from myself sometimes, despite me running from You, despite me running towards my demons sometimes. Is it possible that when you understand that you are truly loved, you understand you were simply being human? That you understand that you do, deserve to be forgiven. That despite everything we ever were or did, we were all made for love.

To be able to feel worthy of love – that can be such a powerful feeling.

Here’s to us, and here’s to being together – come what may, no matter what life brings us in the future. Here’s to us.