Day 200 of Journaling

1. My daily affirmation: I am beauty, courage, and strength combined. I light up every room I walk in to. Abundance flows naturally for me. The universe is already working in my favor. I’m so lucky, everything works out for me ❤️

2. Today I will focus on speaking up and showing up even when it is hard.

3. I am grateful for time being on my side, on having the chance to work on myself, on the people around me being supportive as I go through it. For all the abundance and love that exists in my life, even on days when I do not see it. For the universe which is already working in my favor. For good health and wealth.

4. Three traits my future self will have are: self-confidence, courage and authenticity.

5. The person I’m becoming will experience more alignment of my environment with my values and growth.

6. I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I listen intently, and am open to new perspectives and experiences.

7. When I think about the person I am becoming, I feel excited and incredibly thankful to be me, living in my own skin.

Day 199 of Journaling

1. My daily affirmation: I move with authenticity and decide how I want to show up for what I am involved in. I show up as honestly as I can. I let go of whatever energy that does not serve me. I stay focused on my goals and in moving towards them and manifesting them. The universe is always showing up for me in my favour. I am open to opportunities that are aligned to what I want and where I want to go and how I want to move forward.

2. Today I will focus on moving with authenticity and showing up for my goals. Doing what I need to do to move closer to where I want to go.

3. I am grateful for having self-awareness and having the space to sit thru difficult times and coming out stronger. For the people who believe in me and love me through my changing seasons and periods. For a clear mind and clarity. For health and wealth that is abundant in my life. For personal time and space to get through difficult times. For being able to recognise this phase of my life and healing and growing thru it, becoming even more like my soul self.

4. Three traits my future self will have are: self-confidence, honesty, and courage to do the things I want to do.

5. The person I’m becoming will experience more alignment of my external environment with my values and internal environment.

6. I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I show up even when it is hard. Doing my best with what I have.

7. When I think about the person I am becoming, I feel excited, thankful, and incredibly grateful to be finding myself thru life, bit by bit.

August Manifestations and Alignment

Usually, I’d write this down, but today I decided that I wanted to put it out here on the internet – let’s see where this takes me. This will be my manifestations for the next 3-4 months.

Financial

How much do you make monthly?

12k a month easily.

What does your home look like?

Bright interior with floor-to-ceiling windows. Alot of wood elements and white elements so that it feels cosy. The bed is super huge and I can starfish easily with space at the sides of the bed. There is a washing machine and I get to decide my own laundry days. This home might be temporary and it is okay. I enjoy everyday and every moment living in this space. I have a dressing table for me to do my makeup in the mornings under good lighting. A wardrobe just nice for the clothing that I have on hand. A bath tub that I use weekly to relax in. A speaker with music that plays once I wake up and before I go to bed at night. Housekeeping comes to clean my place for me every single day.

Where am I living?

In Bangkok, thong lor or ekkamai area.

Career

Where are you working?

From Bangkok, for 1 or 2 months, or however long I’d like. I am remote working for a job that pays SGD to me. I work from BKK time 8am to 5pm.

What kind of work are you doing?

As a product marketing manager, I create gtm strategies, I work closely with sales and customer success, as well as with the key leaders and the C-team in the company to ensure that we are meeting the product needs of our market. We are a platform that serves the needs of our customers well and is very popular.

On the side, I work on my freelance work as well as work on podcasting. The page I have is growing fast and well.

What kind of impact are you creating?

Making the lives of whoever using our product easier and better on a daily basis. They appreciate the good energy and great product our company has to offer.

My podcast reaches out to audiences in Singapore and Bangkok. People thinking of moving also listen to this podcast. People who want their loneliness to have a partner find this podcast and it helps them heal in the times when they need it the most.

Recreation

What do you do in your free time?

Exploring the different parts of Bangkok, learning to speak Thai, making friends, and building a community – creating a life from scratch that curates what and who I want in it. Picking up boxing and pilates.

What hobbies are you working on?

Learning a new language, pilates, listening to podcasts, and reading consistently.

Wellness

How are you nourishing your mind, body and soul?

By going ahead and completing the ‘what-ifs’ in my head, by doing things even when I am fearful, going for long runs and heading to the gym consistently, taking time alone to process things and enjoy my own company

What foods are you eating? How do you stay fit?

I eat clean food as much as I can, enough protein to build my muscles, take my pills and green juice on time, go to the gym and for pilates classes regularly, read regularly, and learn daily to ensure growth of both my mind and body.

Relationships

What are your relationships like?

Friendships: Honest, authentic, and fun. Pushes me to try new things and learn new things. Grows together with me. Has healthy debates and insights on the conversations that we have together.

Partner: Honest, authentic, pushes each other to grow, I can be myself around him, we each do things on our own and come together to share what we learn at the end of the day, loves me for who I am, has the same kinks as me, sex is great as we consistently please each other, have each other in mind in all our future goals together.

Family: Consistent love and support for each other, everyone is happy and healthy, boundaries are respected and space is given for everyone to grow and learn.

Work: I am great at my job and although speaking to most of my colleagues online, we are able to maintain a really nice and healthy online relationship. We stay updated on each other’s lives and the milestones in each other’s lives. Respect and space are given at any point in time and time is carefully used when we speak with each other.

How often do you see friends?

Depending on what I need at any point in time, I might see friends once a week or I might see them daily when the holiday period rolls around and my friends start to come to bangkok to see me!

Personal Life

What kind of goals are you working towards?

Learning to become more honest with myself on a daily basis, learning to fall in love with life daily, learning to be more consistent in listening to my gut instincts, and going ahead to do whatever I want to do right now, instead of just waiting for the ‘right’ moment.

What are your habits and values?

Habits: Discipline, consistency, pushing myself to do things even with fear, hanging around people who lift me up, talking positively to myself.

Values: Honesty, Kindness, Authenticity, Loving. Being a present-in-the-moment kind of person. Aligning my values with my environment and the kind of people I surround myself with.

Community

What kind of communities are you a part of?

One that values love and authenticity, people who show up even when they are fearful, inspiring people, helping women lean into their authenticity without guilt, people interested in self-growth.

How are you helping others?

By leading by example, by pushing myself daily to do what I say I want to do and achieve, by living a true, authentic life.

Taking a Breather to Make Sense of Things

Sitting in a cafe in BKK right now as I’m typing this. I gotta be honest with myself – I escaped. Escaped from SG to come here to be alone. To figure things out? To find myself again. It’s been a crazy ass year so far, and I am tired. Tired of trying to stay happy while knowing how I feel inside. So I just wanted to take this time and space, to be honest with myself. Cause sometimes it IS okay to not be fine all the time. I want to be honest with myself so that I can fully show up for myself in all aspects of my life when I get back to SG.

I wanted to take the time to just sit and think back on what a truly crazy year of ups and downs it has been so far. I was told this year was going to be my year. There are times when I truly felt in my skin and happy though, not going to lie. I just want to remember it all. So that through the hard times I can still remember all of it.

Last year I went through a truly heartbreaking break-up. I took alot of time at first thinking whether to make the decision to leave a 4 year relationship – towards the end I was suffering a whole bunch because I simply could not make a decision. I think it wasn’t that I could not make the decision, it was that I was so afraid. Afraid that if I left, it would’ve meant that all the big sacrifices and money I spent on this person has gone to waste. Little did I know that I should’ve left 2 years earlier. And my body knew. I still remember when we first broke up and the day my ex asked to get back together with him. Every warning sign in my body went off, and it did not feel right. I was wrong to go against my instincts. I should’ve listened to myself then. I knew all along what was the best thing for me to do.

I never told anyone this, but down to the last day of being with my ex, I was still making myself useful just so he would not feel anger around me. I remember I was late for 5 minutes when he came and picked me up – he was so angry that he hurled vulgarities in the car and threatened to not want to go to the movies (that I paid for) with me anymore. I cried quietly in the car right beside him. I kept it quiet as I didn’t want to trigger him further. That was how small I made myself. I got the silent treatment all the way there. When we got there we got popcorn and went into the theatre. I was trying to pacify him the whole time. During the entire movie, I fed him popcorn. He did not turn to look at me at all the whole time.

I remember thinking to myself then and asking myself if I loved myself – why did I allow myself to be in such a position. But at that point I was so afraid as a person that I could not stand up to the person who was hurting me the most. I just couldn’t do it. I was more afraid of him leaving than standing up for myself, thinking I can will myself into being a positive being outside of the relationship that I had with him. It was even more painful keeping it to myself.

I pulled the plug when during dinner, we sat down and I asked him if he had thought about what I had asked him to think about a year ago. That was when will we be moving out together. I don’t get along the best with my own family, hence moving out to live has always been top priority for me. And he knew that. In the previous years he would always tell me, ‘soon’. As he liked the idea of having his own space too. I thought we were on the same path. I held on in the times when it got really hard – just so that I could eventually move out to live with him one day. I thought that my happiness could wait till then.

We were talking over drinks when I popped the question. He looked at me blank in the eye and said, ‘I’m not ready for this still.’ By the time I had already waited for 4 years. I was so heartbroken there and then that I could not say anything. I tried opening my mouth to talk about I could not do so without completely breaking down and crying. 4 years of waiting and I realised at that point that he never really wanted the same things as I do. Or that what was most important to me was never on his priority list at all.

We walked from the bar all the way to his home – and I bawled my eyes out. I had never cried so utterly hard before in public. I walked and cried and was filled with rage and sadness. Angry that he never prioritised what was so, so important to me. Sad that I could not hold on anymore, that after all that I was and all that I gave and all that I did to compromise myself – he still didn’t choose me. He still could not figure out if I was the one for him. In that moment I realised it all and I could not stop crying.

We took a break after that – to think about what we wanted. and even breaking up in Dec. I felt relieved to have finally done it. It was the most painful band aid that I had to rip. But nothing was more painful than me having to compromise myself just to fit into the mould that my partner wanted me to be. And 4 years was more than enough.

The tech company I am in went through a round of layoffs then. I was startled by the experience – I loved the team I had back then and I cherished every minute I had with the friends I had made at work. I felt so thankful and lucky to have them to get by each working day. I felt like I am finally in the company that loved me for who I am. And it was a company that I had manifested for. It took awhile but I got there. Going to work to see half the people I loved being affected hit me hard. I felt like I got what I wanted, but it was so short-lived. Both of these things affected me greatly and I felt a little burned out – from trying to heal my own wounds and at the same time trying to be there for those that needed me.

I went to BKK alone after that for both christmas and new years. I wanted to take the time to find who I was again outside of compromising that person for someone else. It was the best, most refreshing trip I had ever taken. And I would do it again. The friends and memories I made on that trip was one that I would always remember and hold dear to my heart. Things started to pick up when I was back in SG. I realised that mindset was really important and with the right mindset, I can achieve anything I wanted to. I was positive again, and loved life again. I loved who I was starting to become, carefree and independent. I lived life as honestly as possible. I was so open and honest that I started to live from my heart, and I loved every single minute of it.

Life was good until some further changes were made in the company – and now even more people that I love started to leave. I tried applying for a ton of jobs but did not get any replies at all – the job market has been hit hard due to all the layoffs as well as recession period. My workload started to increase. I bounced between BKK and SG for awhile this year to get away from the unhappiness I had there and this helped me cope greatly. Being able to work remotely anytime gave me the freedom to live life on my own terms outside of work. I had so much fun with colleagues and J, my close friend who stuck by me through all this during this period – we went to s20 (best music festival I have been to so far), made new friends, and created so many amazing memories. I’m so thankful to have these experiences this year. The highs were so high and lows were so low, but I learned so much about myself through meeting people and living honestly that I felt okay for awhile.

I also met Jaz, a guy that I started to date more seriously this year. I did not expect myself to end up dating him as the first date with him was not the best – I felt like he looked really different from the type that I usually go for – he had pale skin and was very skinny, I liked boys that worked out regularly as I am an avid daily runner myself. After getting to know him better though, he started to grow on me – and there were many nights after hanging with him that I realised my inner child was tended to when I was with him – he was really good at being communicative and had many similar interests as me. He was forward with his intentions with me and I never had to second guess at any point in time what we were doing together. This was really nice for awhile as I had been dating around for a few months now and having sex with various partners, and only 1 was able to make me come. I was also worried about getting diseases (you know how it is out there) so it was fun for awhile until work got busier and I got lazy and tired of going on dates.

I have been seeing Jaz consistently now for a few months and I’m starting to realise that although he meets a few of my criteria for a partner wise, I don’t feel him being as driven as me, or being as consistent or disciplined as me. I don’t feel like my life has any value added when I am with him – he caters to my basic needs some times of getting me food and ensuring when I was sick that I had everything I needed to get well – but other than that I find myself being bored sometimes from not learning anything new when I am with him. I was constantly the one introducing things to him, and there were times when he would take up more time than I intended to spend with him, and internally I’d feel upset. When I am hanging with him physically it is okay, but I don’t feel myself growing at the same time. I think this is starting to wear me down a little. Although he does want the same things as me – a partner to grow with, as well as to move out to live with his partner soon. Those things are appealing to me, but at the same time I don’t really see steps taken to obsessively get there. So where does that leave me?

Feelings are tough as this made me realise that I don’t know if I need a partner. Or is it that the person that I chose isn’t the right one for me? I find it amazing how some people can be so sure of who they are with and I wish I was sure when I am with someone – but honestly I don’t think I have ever felt this way with anyone I have been with. I’m starting to wonder if it’s just me and maybe I should actually start to spend my time doing therapy instead lol. A part of me loves meeting people but the other part of me is also tired of dating and figuring out my feelings with someone and wondering if the person I am with is able to accept me with all my flaws. Some days it does get hard. Especially when I don’t want to do things with makeup on – will my partner still find me the most beautiful person on this planet? I want to be confident and I often feel like it is easier when I am alone – however I often find myself slipping a little when I am with a partner.

I realised in the time that I’m here in BKK as well that I have to own up that I am not having the easiest time with myself, and that it is okay. The ups and downs are still useful to my growth. I think the most important thing though, is to be honest with myself, and to keep practising being honest with myself. Maybe only by consistently doing this, I will end up where I’m meant to be at.

Day 198 of Journaling

8:8

1. My daily affirmation: The universe guides me and supports me in all that I am. I attract incredible abundance through my limitless gratitude. I am expansive and limitless. I magnetize what I desire because it is already mine. My deepest desires also desire me. I have all the tools I need to be abundant and joyful. I attract people into my life who make me feel loved and supported. I am a magnet for indescribable wealth and good fortune.

2. Today I will focus on listening to my inner voice and trusting the universe that everything is on its way.

3. I am grateful for time and space to get my headspace in order for growth and more.

4. Three traits my future self will have are: self-confidence in my body, mind and soul. Courage in speaking up. Clarity in what I want.

5. The person I’m becoming will experience more alignment of my life with my values and personal goals.

6. I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I show up for myself consistently.

7. When I think about the person I am becoming, I feel excited, thankful and highly motivated for what life has to give.

Day 197 of Journaling

1. My daily affirmation: I am more than good enough. I am talented enough. I am worthy enough. I am smart enough. I am present in my feelings. I give myself permission to be available to better, new possibilities. I am more beautiful than I think. I am deserving of love while being a work in progress. I’m so lucky, everything works out for me ❤️

2. Today I will focus on listening to that inner voice that keeps me authentic in how I show up in my life.

3. I am grateful for having the space to navigate my feelings in it’s authenticity, for the people around me who hold space for me when I can’t, for the support from friends, family, lovers, work mates and even strangers on the streets. For the universe to already be working on what the next aligned opportunity should be for me. For good health and wealth. For the wisdom to catch myself before I spiral or fall. For having this beautiful mind of mine, and having my exterior beauty complement it so well. For holding space for what works for me.

4. Three traits my future self will have are: Confidence in my body, mind and soul. Being able to articulate how I feel. Strength to wake up and fight.

5. The person I’m becoming will experience more alignment of my life with my authentic self, values and intentions

6. I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I work on myself internally when I’m going through it and showing up authentically.

7. When I think about the person I am becoming, I feel at ease, patient for what’s to come for me, and thankful to be having this life and all it’s experiences.

Day 196 of Journaling

1. My daily affirmation: I am more than good enough. I am talented enough. I am worthy enough. I am smart enough. I am present in my feelings. I am whole. I give myself permission to be available to new, better opportunities. I’m so lucky, everything works out for me.

2. Today I will focus on listening to my inner voice and facing up to it honestly. Pushing through with being authentic.

3. I am grateful for all the opportunities the universe already has in store for me. For all the love and abundance from my friends, family, lovers, work mates, and even strangers on the streets. For good health and wealth. For the experiences I need to go through to get to where I need to be. For time to contemplate my next steps and put myself in a space where I am choosing from abundance. I am exactly on time.

4. Three traits my future self will have are: courage, positivity, and perseverance.

5. The person I’m becoming will experience more alignment of my environment with my authenticity.

6. I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I push myself to listen to my inner voice and respond with honesty and authenticity.

7. When I think about the person I am becoming, I feel extremely thankful that this life that I am living is mine.